My Conscious Journey – Part 1
The whole of life is a journey…and where I recognize this as truth, I also recognize that, for many of us, ‘waking up to life actually becoming a conscious journey’ takes us to a whole new level of awareness.
I believe that before ‘becoming conscious’, we are in survival which means we go from one day to the next wrapped up in a vortex of energy which can feel like a spiral of busyness that keeps up so caught up; it’s hard to stop for long enough to find the time to think about anything! Our lives can be full….to overflowing…but there is often little time to ponder…digest….or process…anything.
(I have been developing a concept in my consciousness of a cross between a cow and a dragon! The reason I need both is because cows have 4 stomachs and each is needed to ‘fine tune the rumination and digestion’ and then to make ‘digested wisdom’ from the process. In Astrological terms, the South Node of the Moon is often referred to as ‘the dragon’s tail’ and hence, what comes out from near the dragon’s tail ….the ‘dragon’s turds’…. are the ‘digested wisdom’ that comes from ‘making meaning’ of the digestive process through experience. It is our ‘digested wisdom’ from life that we can then offer others on the journey as help.
Perhaps dragons actually had 4 stomachs….and if this were true…then I could do away with my ‘cross’ between the cow and the dragon!)
And…after ‘waking up’, we embark on a quest where we ask questions of life; we struggle to find answers and make meaning of them; we come to awareness of both our pleasure and pain; we factor ourselves in the equation; we grow and; we evolve.
We start to realize that it comes within the realm of possibility to create our own lives in whatever way we choose.
We can choose to be different. We can choose to break the mould. We can choose to manifest our inner values that may never have seen the light of day before….
That’s undisputed. However, the nature of that journey hinges on our attitudes to the myriad of small choices we are faced with every day of our lives.
The beginning of MY CONSCIOUS JOURNEY was way back at the end of 1988.
If you are only interested in the story and NOT the astrological influences, you will have to edit what you read to leave out any references I make to these.
Through the Astrological lens, 2 major things took place then that were to set the stage for at least the next 27+ years of my life, but more to the point, to set the backdrop for the rest of my life!
The first…in September of 1988…was that the planet Saturn (by progression) was changing direction to move retrograde (backwards) in the first house of my natal chart. This would naturally encourage a greater inner focus on all my processes from this point which would also mean a difference from all that had come before in this realm of opportunity and experience (I have posted my natal chart under this tab if you are interested to view it.)
The second was, at the beginning of 1989, I started a new cycle of development with the Progressed Moon cycle – which is what happens when the Progressed Sun and the Progressed Moon ‘kiss’ for a moment thus sealing the ‘tone’ or ‘seed’ of the cycle which will unfold over the next 27 years and 4 months. Where the ‘seed kiss’ takes place in a natal chart shows where the ‘root’ energy grows from and from where the evolving identity will draw much of its inspiration, direction, experience and strength.
I would like to explore for a moment the nature of these 2 astrological events.
Regarding Saturn, I would like to unfold the importance of Saturn in my birthchart. Planet Saturn lies in the 1st house of my natal chart….and anything in the 1st house, can be seen as an ‘extension’ of the Ascendant. My Ascendant lies at 18.58 Scorpio…yet my natal Saturn lies at 1.55 Sagittarius (the next sign.)
The mix….I come across to the World as Scorpionic (which has perhaps armed me with an intensity that is fascinating to some…and totally disarming to others!), with perhaps a good dose of seriousness (Saturn in the 1st) with just a touch of lightness and joy (Sagittarius.)
Add to the cauldron brew the reality that I have a Capricorn Moon in my 3rd house (which is ruled by that Saturn in the 1st.) The brew gets thicker…and, as with us all, the “nature of my beast…or my beauty” is more complex than one might at first think. But, the ‘journey’ is not about what others might think of me…it’s actually more about what I might think about myself!
Keeping this in mind….add the understanding that to become a totally ‘integrated’ being walking a spiritual journey on this Earth plane, my ‘quest’ is to ‘blend and integrate’ these first few complexities of energies to become ‘me!’
Add to this mix, the reality that I was entering a new stage of development starting with a Progressed New Moon (PNM) at 21.58 Pisces in my 5th house…the house of ‘creative self expression and actualization’…in Pisces…to do with a need to evolve towards creating my ‘spiritual’ self understanding and self actualization.
Of this degree, Dane Rudhyar in his wonderful little book “An Astrological Mandala” says:
“A PROPHET CARRYING TABLETS OF THE NEW LAW IS WALKING DOWN THE SLOPES OF MT. SINAI’
Keynote: The need to bring down to the level of everyday existence the clear realizations made manifest in a great “peak experience”.
The symbol obviously refers to Moses after he received from the God of his people the basic principles upon which a new religion, and even more a new ritual of living, should be founded. This basic “Law” has to be “brought down.” It represents a descent of formative and structuring power, a divine Revelation. This type of revealed knowledge contrasts with the kind of knowing born out of the experience of touch, of feeling, or warmth of contact.
This second stage symbol pictures a process to which a religious God given character has been attributed in the past, but which today is being investigated at the personal and psychological level. The important point here is: what do you do after you have a peak experience, an inner revelation? The Keyword MANDATE is appropriate; but the basic problem is how to fulfil it in the right spirit.”
There are many more symbols in our natal birthchart, but these 2 influences serve to ‘set the scene’ that is my purpose here.
But now let’s go back to the beginning…which is where all good stories need to start (and hopefully this will evolve to become that!)
In the beginning….way back in 1988…there was a new beginning.
The ‘lie of my land’ at that point was:-
I had been married since 1981 and said that I was ‘happy’ in my relationship with my husband.
I had 2 children – 1 boy aged 7 and a girl aged 5.
I had an idealistic relationship with my inherited family and my place within it.
I was comfortable in my daily existence.
I had become aware that there was more to life than just day to day survival…so I was looking for something though had NO idea what that was…
I had no conscious spiritual leanings, but I knew ‘religion’ wasn’t part of it.
I had no confirmed concepts about reincarnation…but I had started to wonder.
I was aware of feeling something akin to a ‘void’ deep within, but had no idea what that meant, or how to fill it.
I had been living in the suburbs of Brisbane, Queensland Australia since 1983 but had felt a pull to return to live a more natural life.
My sister had recently built a new home in Montville in the Sunshine Coast hinterland which we had been helping her finish off. This time in the country became the catalyst for our move from the city.
By February 1989 we’d found a 7 acre property in Maleny in the Sunshine Coast hinterland; sold our home in Brisbane and moved (by February 1989.)
Now, at this point, it is important to keep in mind that I was only just stretching after a long sleep and my mind was only becoming alert to new possibilities; I was still trying to walk the ‘middle road’ of mainstream; I was coping (which meant that I never allowed others to see if/when I wasn’t!); my heart was not engaged except in small ways (like with my children or my dog); I was viewing life before me through the clouded lens of my own past pain and; in the main, I was defensive and reactive to any situation that threatened the very nature of my being.
Apart from that, I played a good Aquarian role of being happy, light-hearted, able to talk to most people easily, popular at a superficial level…and isolated and alone in my soul.
From the ‘seed’ of the Progressed New Moon (where the P Sun and the P Moon come together) the P Moon then moves on…by 1 degree per month…but for the next 45 months is still in the ‘seed stage.’ All the ideas for the new cycle of development are ‘seeded’ within these 45 months from the actual ‘first kiss’ where the P Sun and P Moon come together, although the ‘seeds’ may not become conscious until later in the cycle.
Still, if you look back once you have moved on from it, it is often quite fascinating, with the benefit of hindsight, to realize what ‘seeds’ had actually been planted then!
Within that ‘seed’ stage of 3½ years, I joined a women’s group (that had been meeting for a good while) simply because it ‘felt right’. Its intent was to get more into touch through sharing experiences. All the other women there were adept at sharing their feelings about almost everything. I…on the other hand…had never been to this place before! I remember at the first meeting, I was introduced to the group and asked to share a little about my circumstances. I said simply that I was happily married, had 2 children and that life was wonderful!
What I remember most were the looks on the faces of the other women! Now whether they really knew more about me than I knew about myself, I don’t know! Perhaps they were simply cynical about the whole of life…but it wasn’t long after this that the first cracks did begin to appear in my facade…and in my life!
In 1991 I found my way to a chiropractor in Maleny who appeared to do nothing more than hold his hands over my body. He was an ‘etheric healer’ and this quite fascinated me. After a few sessions of manufacturing small ailments in order to ‘have some more of what he was offering’ I felt absolutely compelled to find out what it was he was doing – exactly – for myself.
As luck would have it there was a weekend workshop in Chironic Healing being conducted in Brisbane in November that year and I was there! Who would ever wonder about synchronicity again? Over that weekend, reality (as I had believed it to be up until that point) was blasted to smithereens and I realized that life could never return to be where it was before! The catalyst was as simple as that!
The spiritual realms were opened up to me and I have never looked back!
With the opening however, the dam burst and millions of questions started raising their heads. I have a Gemini South Node and one of the not so wonderful ‘leaks’ through from past times can be extreme mentalism! Another can be excitement and enthusiasm…just like a child! Well, I certainly went both places for a while!
(I can say that still, over 20 years later, I still feel excitement about this conscious journey I embarked upon then. I have just answered a lot of the questions that rose their hands at the outset; become much more settled and mature about what the journey is about; what’s important to me and; how I can best go about it. Simply, I have come to know myself better!)
However, from the millions of questions, I needed to find at least some answers! Others, it seemed knew a lot more than I did, so I asked…and I listened and I grew. Some of their answers didn’t fit for me, so I realized that I needed to learn to still my mind and source answers from within myself from higher realms.
When I first started to meditate I literally had to teach myself to chase intrusive thoughts out of my head to find any degree of inner stillness. I used to visualize chasing each thought (and there were many) out of my ears to be dealt with at a later time. Learning to meditate took dedication and commitment…but I was inspired enough as I went along to persevere with the practice and through daily practice, became able to access past life memories that helped my present life understanding.
I also started a Healing Group with the Chiropractor, his partner and a couple of people who had attended the workshop in Brisbane. We met twice a week to talk philosophy and practice etheric healing. It was during this time that I faced some of the most monumental challenges as I took steps into the world of spirit and energy.
Through the stimulation, I touched first base with my own spirituality and realized that it grew as I grew. I opened up to the world of feeling and the separation (between my ‘inner’ self and my ‘personality’ self started the long journey to merge and become one.)
One signpost challenge I faced early was making the conscious choice to come from ‘love’ rather than ‘fear’ and this has been total bedrock in my evolving journey. I still see that once we have recognized life is about making choices, the next step is to identify which choice comes from love … which from fear and …which we one we will choose!
Our Healing Group met for over a year. It overlapped with another one which continued to meet for another 2 years. During this time we worked with each other’s healing and also saw clients.
I can honestly say that once I got the ‘bit’ of spirituality between my teeth, I was off and nothing was going to deter me from life as a conscious journey ever again.